Advice for my theoretical kid(s)…

I have these pants I wear…they are skinny black jeans.  Now, I don’t necessarily agree with the skinny jeans/jegging phenomenon.  I think skinny jeans either a) don’t look good on you because they are wrong for your body type or b) make you look like you have chicken legs.  If having chicken legs is the most desirable outcome you can hope to achieve wearing an article of clothing, then perhaps it isn’t the best choice for a pair of pants you can make.  However, I got these black skinny jeans for a very good reason; I had nothing else to wear with my $200 boots.  I asked for them for Christmas and they are super cute, but I am no fashionista and did not realize that if my pant legs cover them up, there is very little point to wearing said cute boots.  So, I caved and got myself some damn skinny jeans.  These pants, while not being the most flattering in the world (in case you are wondering, I’m more of an a) up there in the skinny jeans department), are actually quite comfortable and don’t look horrific.  They happen to look especially good with a flowy (yes I made that word up and I like it) white top.  But they have one small flaw.  Sometimes the zipper gets stuck at the bottom when I’m trying to zip them up.

And now I have reached my meandering point.  Had I acquired pants that threatened to stay unzipped in any public restroom situation in my past, I would have lost it.  I’m quite awkward in social situations normally, and one where I have my zipper down and underwear exposed would have been slightly more difficult for me to handle if you can believe it.  However, this situation happened to mature, professional Danyelle, not crying-in-a-bathroom-because-her-boss-was-mean-to-her Danyelle.  So, here is the advice I would give to any theoretical children of my future or current children of other people or even adults as clueless as me: When your zipper gets stuck, take a deep breath and relax.  This is fixable.  Despite multiple failed attempts to get the thing to close as a zipper should, you can continue trying slowly and calmly.  You may end up in the bathroom for longer than you wanted, but you will get it to close eventually.  Try pulling it further down first, then up again.  Try moving the zipper head flat upwards and flat downwards and in between.  Don’t get frustrated.  If your zipper breaks (where it zips up but the zipper doesn’t close behind it) you can actually just unzip them and try again, carefully.  All your patient effort will be rewarded; there is no reason to panic and cry.

And hell, if your zipper remains broken, then tie a sweater around your waist and call it good. 

Also, always have a sweater close by.

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